Say 'cheese'.

We were waiting for the others to go off together to a birthday dinner. She smiled at me knowingly, and asked if I was dating someone currently. Because she had noticed the past few months that I look happy and have been dressing up. She also thought I should have photos taken at dinner since I look good. (What a queer thing to say...about the photos, that is.) And she said something else interesting: That men find a happy woman attractive.

Later, she asked if I had gotten over him yet. I said I had, a long time ago. And I remembered too that I had told myself quite early on, to cut my losses ASAP, because I knew he was, and would never, be coming back. So, I should just move on.

Actually, getting over him wasn't quite as difficult as trying to be happy (in a general way) again. Maybe I've been unhappy much longer than I thought, even before the break-up. Not that I wasn't happy WITH him. I was. But maybe I wasn't happy with MYSELF, and haven't had the time to really do something about it until the past one year. Now, THAT, is queer.

The 7 Deadly Sins: Envy. [edited]

"As long as he's not chained to anyone's leg, he's fair game. So what if he's got a girlfriend or even a wife for that matter? The important thing is that there's mutual attraction. I'm not forcing him to be adulterous, I'm just offering an option which he can choose to take, or not."

"If the guy is attracted to me, despite having a girlfriend or wife in tow, I can't help that. The girls can't say I've stolen their man. After all, he's an adult, and he can jolly well choose for himself. And tough if they can't hold on to their man."

"If I like a guy, I will make it known to him. And if he reciprocates, so be it. I make no apologies for hitting on the chap. From my point of view, it's an opportunity that I should not pass up. What if he's Mr Right for me...but is temporarily just stuck with some one else. We may be the perfect match. And like the saying goes, nothing ventured nothing gained."

Now I ain't no angel -- and boy, will lots of people vouch for that -- but the 36% who thought "Yes: He's fair game." to the poll "Would you steal her man?" in Her World August 2003, made me raise both my eyebrows.

Sure, it hit too close to home. But, really, have we become so selfish and obsessed with self-satisfaction that we have forgotten about respect for another person's feelings, and our own integrity? As mum sagely observed, the world has changed, and the younger generation just doesn't give two hoots.

It's a slippery slope, letting events progress just because you can't stop the guy from being attracted to you or reciprocating your advances. The fact is: You CAN stop anytime you want to. The truth is: Do you WANT to? Or will you continue to disclaim responsibility for your role in whatever happens?

I believe one should have the courage to pursue one's happiness. But let's not confuse courage with utter disregard for sensibilities. There is courage in 'doing', and there is courage, too, in 'not doing'. If he's indeed Mr Right, let him prove his courage too (and sincerity), to trust his own decision and to make a clean break before he starts afresh with someone else. If nothing else, wouldn't you like to know that Mr Right liked you enough to take that leap of faith on his own volution, or even to know that he won't cheat on you with another woman who decides he's her Mr Right too?

I wonder how the women who make up the 36% would feel, when they find themselves on the other side of the fence, and have a hard time 'holding on' to their guy. I wonder how they would like being in that position.

Muffily yours.

After almost a year of sneaky smiles everytime I said I was going out with SF (again), and recently the comment that I "listen to SF a lot" (well, if it's sound advice, why not), Mum finally 'came out' and asked point-blank if I was doing the lesbian thing with SF.

W.A.H.L.A.U.

When my man-crazy pet asked me that (she wasn't joking), I had brushed it off as the loose-screw musings of an 'unopened package'. (And if she doesn't get laid by Christmas, I'm going to get her a dildo.)

Come on...it's only been ONE YEAR. It's not long enough for me to change my sexual preferences, right? Nor have I lost faith in men in spite of recent events, and my being partial to the phrase "all men are bastards" is merely a statement of fact, nothing more, nothing less. Heh. (And I still hope to find The One.) Anyway, I'm not about to pounce on the nearest available male just to be able to hang around the opposite sex. And when you just want to have some FRIENDLY companionship, it's less complicated with your own kind, especially when you are single and available (and ahem, desirable -- well, at least to some people).

I guess mum is too used to me living my past 6 years as Sean's conjoined twin.

Resolutions.

His latest weekly lottery win was the first prize, which would be at least $1000, yes? The next day, he suggested that my mum should just take a cab to the diagnostic lab, which was quite out of the way. When she asked about the cab fare, he said that she could very well ask her daughters to pay for it. (Yeah, her daughters and their hard-earned money.)

Don't EVEN waste your time guessing what he WOULD have said about the $100 fee for the mammogram.

As far as he's concerned, if his winning streak ever ends, he will still have the house. Screw the children and whatever unpleasant thoughts and words they may think and say about him. They can pack and leave if they don't like it.

Well, when it's HIS turn, I will tell him, just as nonchalantly as he had said to my mum, that he can go screw his selfish ass. And I will remind him that whatever monthly 'filial' money that should and would have been due to him, has simply been offset by a transfer to the 'wife account' -- the one that he has stopped servicing for his own wife.

I despise irresponsible family men.

Touch-Me-Not

Have been feeling sluggish and mentally dull. Noticed that the PMS has made a comeback. My guess is that I've been off the exercise circuit too long -- almost a month now. Shall start something regular again, tomorrow. Yeah, mustn't forget the weights. Gotta be prepared for the perverts, y'know?

I think these wankers do it because they think they can get away with it. And sure enough, they often do, as a lot of women would rather convince themselves that it was an 'accident', than make noise and risk being embarrassed if the guy were to declare his 'innocence'. Well, I'm one of them, sometimes.

But you know, if nothing else, there is really nothing wrong with bringing to someone's attention, LOUDLY, that his groin or butt is rubbing against your shoulder? Nothing there about him being a 'pervert'. Just stating a fact, in case he wasn't aware??? that a certain part of his body had invaded your personal space. Or, you could do what SF's mum once did to an invading butt. She whacked it hard with some geography workbook that she was carrying. ROFL!!! Suffice to say the guy was too speechless to make any smart-alecky retort in defence of his 'innocence'.

Anyway, I think exuding a 'don't-fuck-with-me' aura works as well. The idea is to focus all your awareness and anger, and then direct it at the subject of suspicion -- he shouldn't even THINK about screwing with you.

The lines are clear with total strangers. Intend to touch not -- unless you intend to be 'balled over'.

Now, what happens when it's someone that you are acquainted with? The lines start blurring, yes? I would say that we allow different people to cross different lines and at different times (or occasions). Also (for me at least), some touches feel different -- it could be our reaction to the toucher, or it could be us being able to feel the toucher's intentions. At the very least, body heat that originates from a certain body part and then transmitted to the rest of the body, can be felt from a mere touch. Same goes for the clammy hand; presumably from nervousness. Heh.

Recently, I had 3 intentional first-time touchers (all uninvited, mind). Strangely, the least acquainted one 'got away' with the most; probably because his touch was 'light' and never sleazy, and so I gamely allowed it. Then, there's the one that I sorta saw coming, but could be legit as an acceptable social greeting from a friendly colleague. And the one that I knew the longest, copped a feel -- the momentary 'test-the-water' kind of touch. Too momentary for me to feel his thoughts; but maybe I didn't need to, nor wanted to; not then, anyhow.

Pedestal.

Now, I don't have a problem with a woman who takes the initiative to let him know she is interested. In fact, I do it myself, sometimes. Go ahead and turn your body to face him; keep the conversation going; prompt him with questions; find out more about him; give him your best wide-eyed attentive look; keep that smile as bright as your eyes.

But you know, just for once, forget all that.

Go back to the good o'days when women would just sit and look pretty, and slip their object of fascination enough languid gazes and glancing smiles to arouse his curiosity and awaken the innate explorer in him. Let him make all the moves and figure you out, of his own volition. And if he does it 'right', you may then consider whether to acknowledge his efforts with your undivided attention and charming company.

(But, if he doesn't care to look your way, or deem you interesting enough for him to move his ass off his chair, then move on, baby.)

The only problem with this social experiment, is that it requires a certain expectancy on the part of the female to be handled with TLC and accorded a 'reverence' of sorts, and, the male must recognise this, and have the sense of purpose and patience to expect to have to make a few rounds around the block before the target acknowledges and decides whether to reciprocate his advances. As such, any peevish behaviour and show of impatience, on his part, would be deemed bad etiquette, and frowned upon. In which case, he would probably have a better chance of circling the girth of Planet Earth, lose his bearings halfway, refuse to ask for directions like the typical male he is, and pick up another more amenable female along the way. And oh, don't bother trying to find your way back to my side of the block. You may just, suddenly, find pie in your face.

Gaining experience. [edited]

Valid during several days: During this period of time you will establish yourself with respect to the rest of the world. People will come to know who you are and what you are doing. At the same time this influence indicates that you have reached a point of equilibrium at which your actions and behavior toward others are reliable and consistent. You will not feel like surprising people with sudden or unpredictable actions, nor will you want others to surprise you. Your whole objective is to reach the point where all your affairs are running smoothly and on schedule. Your approach is disciplined, well ordered and mature. About the only problem with this influence is that you find it difficult to make changes conservatively. And if that response is inappropriate to the situation, you will have difficulty. You are not very flexible, but that is not usually a great problem.

At this time in your life, you are very concerned with gaining experience, particularly in your profession. You are likely to be ambitious and will work hard to get ahead and improve yourself. You will seek out people who can help you, and probably you will make very sure that you want to be fair and just, you don't want to be in debt to anyone. This is a time when self-sufficiency is very important to you.

This is reflected in your relationships also. You are somewhat more reserved than usual and cautious about forming new relationships. Usually this is to the good, although if you are too cautious you may overlook persons who could assist you. Older, more experienced people attract you especially, because you know you can learn from them. A person who will play a very important role as your teacher may come into your life at this time. But don't expect him or her to necessarily conform to your preconceived image of a teacher. He or she may come from any area of your life, and you may not recognize what has happened until later.

- - - - - - - - - -

Well, Friday turned out to be a pleasant day.

In the wee hours of the morning, I made a nice little birthday card with one of my holiday photos, and mailed it off to the ex-boyfriend. Hehehehehe. Yeah, I'm into cheap thrills, can anot?

The morning mail at work had an interesting opportunity for me: was asked if I would be interested in proofreading a medical textbook (outside of my job). For some reason, was reminded about Greta's story in Personal Velocity.

Dinner went well -- and my friend paid for it. Hehe. I don't know if it's a day for realisations, but as we talked as we used to, I felt a certain part of me detach to stand at the edge of the conversation, observing and assessing. And the 'new' perspective was...interesting.

On my way home, Mr E called, just to say hi :-)